Looking back through 2019-2020 Journal
Entry from July 8, 2020
I am happiest when I am exercising, cooking, reflecting and sharing those lifestyle qualities with others. After teaching my yoga class about shaking off what we no longer need, I immediately began cooking my meal. A brief knowing occurred somewhere in there (or maybe it was following me throughout the day – or my life). It was from a place deeper than my mind because it was not a thought that I was holding onto. This knowing was that I’ve been afraid to take that path, that path of least resistance, because I’ve always held onto my family’s fear of me not living a life of luxury or my own fear of not living up to their standards of my potential. Oh the weight that has caused me at least throughout my adult years!
If I am happiest (most fulfilled, joyful, easy, light, present – whatever word you think of as being happy) exercising, cooking, reflecting and sharing all of that, then why am I only squeezing those into tiny moments of space (particularly the sharing part)? Rather than spending over half of my life that creates knots in my stomach, chest, throat and shoulders, making me want to eat and drink junk in attempt to numb the tension, I should be spending all those hours on the experiences that make me feel so grateful for being alive!
Why do so many of us go through life as if it’s a chore? And why do so many of us allow fears of past generations to lead us through present and future generations? It’s allowing the blind to lead, the unconscious to guide the way of the conscious. My body is giving me all of the signs that it’s time to make the transition into a more open and trusting state of being, yet basic fear of survival are still leading me on…